The Aftermath of Benson's Torture
by illusionofperfection09
Summary: This story covers what may have happened had Olivia been raped by William Lewis. Also, Elliott is still her partner. Deals with Self Harm.
1. Chapter 1

**This takes place right after Olivia Benson was captured and tortured by William Lewis in "Surrender Benson". However, in my story Elliot is still Olivia's partner and Kathy and the kids do not exist. Warning for graphic description of Self Harm. I do not own any of the characters. Their credit goes to the creators of Law and Order SVU.**

Broken. That's what she was. Broken.

Olivia Benson may have been one of the strongest women, but that all changed after she was tortured. Now no one in the precinct would even look at her without wincing and she could feel the pity in their stares. Of course she could tell they were trying, but that didn't stop her from noticing the way Munch kept glancing at her, Amanda avoided her, and Fin and Captain looked at her as if she was a hurt puppy. The worst was Elliot with dark circles around his eyes. But not one of them knew her secret.

She hadn't just been tortured, she had been raped. And everything changed.

A week had passed since the incident, but Olivia still hadn't recovered. She sat in her hotel room (her apartment was still a crime scene) and stared at the beige walls feeling absolutely nothing. Everyone was so concerned about her feelings and she had none, she was numb. Completely hollow. And she couldn't take it anymore. _"God, I am a freaking hypocrite! Telling those girls they can get through this and then I, of all people, cannot even hear a knock without breaking down." _She just needed to feel something, anything. She then saw an item on the nightstand, a pocket knife she had kept with her to help her feel safe. _"I never thought I'd resort to this, but anything has to be better than flashbacks and emptiness."_ She can't let anyone see, so she decides on her thighs. She pulls down her jeans and takes a breath before slicing into her own flesh. The relief is instantaneous. She doesn't stop…

Even a month after her capture, Olivia was still doing poorly. Sure she put on a show for her friends, but inside she was screaming. Every new case triggered memories of her abuse and she began to have not only flashbacks but nightmares. And her cutting had only gotten worse. She was now cutting at least once a day just to keep from going absolutely insane. Some were thin lines, others deep gashes. _You are such a failure. You couldn't even protect yourself, a cop! How in the Hell are you going to protect others?_ She begins to unknowingly rub her fingers over her thigh.

"You okay Liv?"

Elliott's voice quickly snaps her out of her daze and she looks up at him.

"Yeah. Fine."

Elliott knew something was up, but just figured anyone who had gone through as much crap as her deserved a break. _"Man, she really has been through hell. I wish I knew how she is really doing. There is no way she is as calm as she appears." "Dammit Elliott focus on the case!"_ They were on a case driving out in the streets looking for their prime suspect in a sexual assault case, Jason Walters.

"Elliott, that's him!"

Elliott stops the car and Olivia unbuckles. They get out and Elliott approaches him.

"Jason Walters! Detective Stabler, NYPD…"

He runs. They both chase after him, but a fence gets in the way. Once Elliott is over he runs on to catch the suspect while Olivia climbs over. Once the suspect is cuffed and transported to the station, Elliott decides to talk with Olivia. It is then he sees a rip in her pants.

"Liv, looks like that fence may owe you a new pair of pants!"

"It certainly does!" she replies.

"Wait a minute, are you bleeding?" Elliott noticed there was blood dripping onto the sidewalk. "Here, let me see,"

"Wait! Elliott, no, I'm fi.." Before she could finish, Elliott bent down to survey the cut. But what he saw was much worse. Scars and cuts covered her thigh, some thin lines, some gashes held together by bandages. He immediately felt sick to his stomach.

"Liv," he said gently, "these aren't from your attacker, are they?"

Her sad look answered his question.

"Why?" he said as tears filled his eyes.

"You know" _Well most of it_

"Liv, you are staying with me tonight. Don't even try to argue"


	2. Chapter 2

Later that night, Olivia sat in Elliott's apartment while he grabbed some clothes for her to sleep in.

"The shower's right in there and towels are under the sink" said Elliott as he handed her a sweatshirt and shorts. As he began to walk away, Olivia spoke,

"Elliott, I…never mind" She said, stopping almost as if she were ashamed.

"No, what? Just say it Liv, I don't bite."

"Well I…" _God, I sound crazy "_...I am afraid to be by myself. Could you maybe sit in the room while I showered?" She looked down, afraid he would see how messed up she was.

"Sure, Liv. Anything. Why don't you go on and start your shower and tell me when you are ready for me to come in."

"Thanks, El."

Elliott had imagined being in the vicinity of a naked Olivia before, but not quite like this. He was currently sitting on the cold, tile floor of the bathroom while she showered. Elliott pondered how he was going to talk to her about her cutting._ I have to say something. What if she does permanent damage? Some of those were pretty deep. _Meanwhile, Olivia's mind starts to race…

_He's on top of her, taunting her. "Not so strong now, huh? How does it feel to become a victim?" Suddenly he's inside her. Pain rips through her and she finally screams. She thought if she was strong enough, he wouldn't want her. That maybe she could remain in control. But she was wrong._

"Stop it! Stop!" Liv's screams snap Elliott out of his thoughts.

"Liv, it's okay. This is Elliott, you are safe."

"Please don't do this!"

Elliott leans and shuts off the water and then grabs a towel.

"Shhh. Liv, I'm going to open the curtain okay?" She remains unaware of his presence. Elliott slowly opens the curtain to reveal Olivia sitting on the bottom of the shower with her arms wrapped around her knees. She begins to cry softly. Elliott kneels and gently wraps her in the towel, and his arms.

"Liv, you were having a flashback. This is Elliott, your partner. You are in my apartment." He talks softly and in short sentences to keep from startling her.

"Elliott?"

"I'm here, baby. Everything's okay."

Even though he turns away to allow her to dress, Elliott couldn't help but notice the scars and wounds that littered her body. Short, deep, long, thin, every type of cut imaginable was present. They covered her thighs and even extended to her stomach. _Damn. How could I not notice this? I'm her partner for God's sake!_

"El, I'm sorry about the freak out in the shower. You shouldn't have seen that."

"Don't apologize Liv! You shouldn't have gone through what you did, but shit happens. And I want to help you through this."


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for the awesome reviews! And sorry for the end of this chapter... I'll try to update soon.**

Olivia currently sat on the edge of Elliott's bed while he showered. She had offered to sleep on the couch, but he insisted. _How am I going to explain my panic attack? If he finds out I was raped, he'll never look at me the same. Shit! Liv, you're so stupid, how could you agree to stay the night? I should have told him the cuts were none of his business and left. _But, who was she kidding, Elliott could never let something like that go. Just then, she heard the door open and Elliott entered the room.

"Hey Liv, I was just checking on you. I'm about to crash. So, let me know if you need anything."

"Actually, could you sleep in here tonight? I….I just don't want to be alone." _Lies_. She was planning on telling him the truth that she is haunted by nightmares, but she hated seeming weak. It didn't matter though, Elliott agreed.

"Sure, the couch isn't all that comfortable."

"Thanks El." Elliott climbs in beside her and sighs. For a minute, they are silent.

As she laid beside him, Elliott finally spoke.

"Liv, why do you hurt yourself this way? I know you have been through hell, but," He was cut off by the sound of strangled breathing. Was she crying?

"Liv?"

"Elliott, I need to tell you something. I was.." she took a breath, "raped".

She spoke so softly he almost didn't hear her. Almost. Rage filled Elliott towards her attacker.

"Son Of a Bitch!" He muttered.

Liv's sobs brought him back to reality.

"I'm so sorry Liv. Did you tell anyone?"

"You," She whispers.

"Liv, sweetheart, you need to file a report..."

"No!" she shouts, startling Elliott. "I can't. Elliott, I am a cop. A cop who works with rape victims. If

"Liv you have to talk to someone. What you are doing isn't working. You can't keep on bottling your emotions and cutting yourself!" Olivia is surprised by the intensity in his voice.

"I'm sorry. If I could stop, I would." Even more tears threaten to spill over.

"I know," he says quietly, "why don't we get some rest? We can talk more later."

She wakes up covered in sweat and breathing heavily. _You're so stupid. You really thought Elliott could protect you from your nightmares? Grow up._ She tries to shake it off but she can't. His smell, His voice, HE is everywhere. She crawls out of the bed making sure to avoid waking Elliott and walks to the bathroom. All the while her mind is racing. After fumbling through several drawers, she finds what she needs. A razor. _I know I shouldn't but I need to. It's the only way to get rid of HIM. _She lifts up the shorts Elliott loaned her and begins.

One. _Not enough._

Two. _She can still hear his taunting._

Three. _He's on top of her_.

Four. _Relief. _

Adrenaline pumps through her. The feeling is warm… and sticky? Wait, that's blood. Too much. She looks down to see a gaping wound staring back. Olivia had cut deep before, but not like this. This time, the bleeding doesn't slow down. _Maybe I should just let it bleed. I deserve it. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for all the reviews! And I am sorry this chapter is so short and ends abruptly, but I didn't want to wait too long to update after that cliffhanger! The next chapter will be much longer and will hopefully be up soon.**

Elliott awakens to find the spot beside him empty. Turning his head to the right, he sees it is only three in the morning. He notices her side of the bed is cold meaning she has been gone for more than a few minutes. _This can't be good. _Elliott jumps out from the covers and immediately heads to his bathroom.

"Liv? You in there?"

_Come on Liv, just answer_.

"I'm coming in Olivia"

Elliott finds the door is unlocked so he gently pushes it open. Olivia sits on the floor by the tub, the bottom of her shorts pushed up. Blood is everywhere. She has several wounds, but none as troubling as the one on the inside of her right thigh. The cut gapes open and is bleeding freely.

"Oh Liv." He says softly.

He walks over to her and tries to wake her up, but her eyes remain closed. _Dammit!_ Elliott immediately runs to the phone and dials 911.;

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Darkness.

It surrounds her. Then she hears something. It's Elliott.

"You're awake. Thank God you are okay!"

She flinches as she attempts to open her eyes and it takes a moment for her to adjust to the brightness of the lights. _Am I in a hospital?_ The last thing she remembers is going to sleep in Elliott's bed.

"El?" she says his name as if it were a question.

"Yeah Liv?"

"Why are we in a hospital?" Olivia looks to Elliott for an answer. He looks terrible. His eyes are surrounded by dark shadows and he looks to have been crying. _What happened?_

Elliott takes a deep breath before beginning.

"Liv, you tried to", his voice wavers, "kill yourself."

All of a sudden the events of the previous night flood Olivia's mind.

"No, no. El, I wasn't trying to kill myself. I just needed to get rid of him. I was so scared of you thinking I was weak so I didn't tell you I get nightmares. Last night, it was bad. He was everywhere. His voice, his smell, and one cut wasn't enough."

"Olivia," He uses her full name to get her attention, "the last thing you are is weak. Stubborn? Yes. Determined? Absolutely. But you have never been and will never be weak."

That's when the floodgates open and Olivia begins to cry.

"If I am not weak, why did he rape me?"

"You know that there was nothing you could do Liv. He's a monster…"

"No El, listen! Lew…." she stumbles on his name, "he gets off on raping those who are weak. If I was strong enough, he wouldn't have been able to."

"But I wasn't" she adds quietly.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry it has been awhile, school is keeping me busy. Please review. Also, E/O will be a larger part in upcoming chapters as will Lewis and the rest of the squad. This is just to set the stage. Enjoy!**

"Liv, we need to talk."

Those are the first words that Elliott says when they return to his apartment. She had stayed in the hospital for a week before the doctors released her (on the condition that she start therapy and an antidepressant) and now they were back. Shit! I can't do this right now.

"Elliott, I'm really tired right now. Can't we talk later?"

"You slept the entire ride back! Liv, we are going to talk now. Sit." Elliot points to the couch and motions for her to take a seat. She does so and takes a breath as he sits beside her.

"Well, what do you want me to say?"

"Anything, Liv. I want you to talk to me about anything. How you are doing, What you feel, Why you did this."

"El, there's nothing to tell. I got low and made a mistake. I'm Fine."

Fine? She thought she was fine?

"Bullshit!" Elliott stands up and begins to pace. "Liv, you are NOT fine. Do you not recall that you were just in the hospital because you cut yourself? They had to take you into surgery to repair the damage you did to yourself. You had to have two blood transfusions. And you did it because you were kidnapped, tortured, and raped. Worst of all, you told me you think it was your fault! Fine. Sure Liv, you are FINE." Olivia can hear the bitterness in his last statement. She stands as well and looks him directly in the eye.

"Fine! Maybe I'm not fine! I cut myself because I'm too weak to deal with my rape. I was raped because I was too weak to deal with him. I'm damaged, worthless, alone. I can't even keep a relationship with a man. The most I can do is remain partners with you, whatever that means. You know what's funny El? I finally know exactly what my mother went through when she had me. Thank God that bastard didn't get me pregnant, but I still know how she felt about me. I was a parasite sent to prey on her from her rapist. A constant reminder of her torture. You are right El, I am not fine. I am a product of rape, meaningless, repulsive. I am vile." She hangs her head and looks at the ground. How could I actually tell him all that? Now I am going to lose him too. Before she can think too much, Elliott wraps her in a hug and whispers in her ear,

"You are strong Liv, you survived. You escaped. You are meaningful, worthwhile, and beautiful."

"You wouldn't say that if you had seen all my scars."

"Then show me."

"They're hideous."

"I can handle it."

She begins by taking off her jacket, shoes, and socks.

"Liv, you don't have to take off everything."

"Yes, I do El. I need to see if I can face this. Showing someone all of me."

She continues by turning away from him and removing her top. The last to go is her pants. Elliott braces himself, but before she turns, she reaches back to remove her bra.

"Liv, as much as I would like to, there's no need to take off your bra."

"Actually El, there's something you need to see there." She turns around and looks at the ground while her arms cover her breasts.

Her body is a maze of scars. Some caused by her job at SVU, most self-inflicted. Elliott's stomach turns as he takes in the sight. Her thighs and stomach are the worst with silver and purple scars. And of course, the most recent wound is bandaged. But there is also something he wasn't expecting, burns. He immediately knows these were a result of Lewis. As his eyes roam her body she lowers her arms. On her chest the word "S l U T" has been branded. The "S l is on her right breast, the "U T" on the other.

"Him." Is all Elliott says. It's all he needs to. Olivia simply nods and attempts to restrain herself. She has already cried too much in front of him. Elliott steps forwards and placing a finger under her chin, lifts her face so that their eyes meet.

"Olivia Benson, you are beautiful. Your scars, all of them, are just reminders of how strong you are. I hate that you turned to self-harm, but those scars do nothing to diminish your beauty."

He leans down so that he is eye level with her knees.

"This one," he says as he traces a silver scar extending from the top of her right knee to the top of her calf, " is from our fifth case together." He works his way up her body tracing each scar and telling the stories of the ones he recognizes. When he reaches the scars she caused herself, he simply traces them without a word.

"These must be from him." Elliott says harshly as he lightly touches the cigarette burns from her torture. They don't stop him. Finally, he is eye level with her breasts, but there is nothing erotic about this moment. He traces each letter and states them out loud. However instead of tracing "Slut", he traces the word "Strong." He stands and looks Olivia in the eye as he tells the story of the last scar, the one on her neck.

"This one is my favorite. It reminds me of everything we have been through and how much I care for you. It also reminds me of how close we were to permanently ending our partnership. I still remember how it felt to watch him cut you." By this point, both Elliott and Olivia are close to tears. Then Elliott does something she was not expecting. Instead of tracing this scar, he leans down and kisses it. It's light and gentle. She starts to speak, but he silences her with his lips as he wraps his arms around her. She lets him.


	6. Chapter 6

**I hope you enjoy this chapter. Also, more reviews equals more updates! **

After a minute she pulls away.

"El, I'm sorry. I'm not sure I can do this. You deserve better and I don't want to wreck what we have." She takes a step back and begins to redress. He turn to give her some privacy. Once she is clothed, he turns and steps towards her.

"There is no one better than you for me. If we can manage so stay partners for over a decade in the toughest line of police work, we can get through this."

"I just need some time."

"You can have all the time you want. Why don't we head to bed? It's getting late and you have a big day tomorrow."

_Dammit! I forgot about tomorrow. I have to see a shrink but that's not the scary part. The worst part is that I have to tell Captain._

"Fine, but you're sleeping with me….." "not like that." She adds as an afterthought.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

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She wakes up with her heart pounding and panting. Tears threaten to spill over.

"El?" she sqeaks.

He mumbles something unintelligible before waking up.

"What is it Liv?" he shoots up as soon as he is coherent. After all, the last time she woke up like this, she ended up in the hospital.

"Dream." Is all she can manage to say.

"Was it Lewis?"

"No, Harris. The basement"

"Oh, Liv. Shhh. It's okay. I'm here. Harris can't hurt you anymore." Elliott reaches around and holds her. He rubs her back as he comforts her.

He'll never forget that day; having to ask her about the basement.

He takes a breath and licks his lips as he attempts to spit out the question he knows he has to ask.

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_"__What happened in the basement?" The words taste like acid and he's not sure he wants to hear the answer._

_She sits in silence for a minute. _

_"__Nothing." "I'm Fine El." He knows it's a lie, but he doesn't push her. _

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"Liv, you never did tell me what happened." He says gently.

"Because if I told you, it would make it real. I know you El. If I told you what happened, you would go after him."

"You can tell me now Liv."

"I know. I will, I just think need some coffee first."

"Sure thing."

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An hour later, both detectives sit in silence as Elliott processes Olivia's tale.

"Liv, I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me? I'm your partner."

"I wanted to. I just…" she struggles to find the right words, "couldn't." "I felt like a fraud."

"I don't understand."

"I was dealing with PTSD and I hadn't even been raped." _Why am I telling him this_? She continues, "Of course, that's different now."

_I knew Harris was a sick bastard, but I never knew. And after Lewis? I can't blame her for cutting herself. _

"It's okay Liv. You were assaulted and PTSD isn't something to be ashamed of. Between Harris and Lewis, you've been through more than anyone should have to endure." "And now it's time to report it. You can't let Lewis get away with what he did to you. Didn't they do a rape kit at the hospital?"

"Yes." _The rape kit was horrible. How many times have I told others they could get through it? I never knew how much it was like being violated again._ "But I came back later and got rid of it."

"How?"

"It was a new nurse. I told her I was there to bring it to the precinct and she handed it over."

"Why would you do that?"

"I couldn't let you know. Any of you. I was tired of being the victim….And now he'll get away with it."

"Liv, they keep records at the hospital. I'm sure they still have it. We'll run by today on the way to work and then you can tell Captain."

"I don't think I can do that."

"I'll be there the whole time Liv. If you want."

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At the hospital…

"Detective Stabler. NYPD. I need to see a copy of Olivia Benson's medical records."

"Of course. Just one moment." The nurse goes to retrieve the paperwork.

"El, I don't know if I can do this."

"You can Liv. You are stronger than you know."

"Here you go. Just hand it back when you are through." The nurse hand him Olivia's file.

As he flips through it, Elliot begins to get worried. There is no record of a rape kit.

"Liv, your rape kit isn't mentioned here." He turns back to the nurse. "Has anyone else been in here to check her medical records?"

"Yes actually. Some guy from the Manhattan Police department I think."

"Is this him?" Elliott thrusts a copy of Lewis's photo in her face.

"Yes. That's him."


End file.
